Things the team have learnt from each other
by KitCatty
Summary: A list thingy, me and Emily, a.k.a Miss Whoniverse, wrote it together. She's posted it on her account too.


**Things the Team Learn from Each Other**

Dinosaur droppings have a tendency to explode if microwaved

Janet does not respond well to weevil masks

Janet will proceed to go into unstoppable frenzy if faced with weevil mask

The rift does not respond well to golf balls hit into it

The rift will return golf balls with double force into the golfer's crotch or forehead

Do not pull a prank on Ianto unless you want to live on decaf for a while

And pterodactyl food

Using a modern insult on Tosh is like telling a brick wall its bricks are off-colour

Kidnapping someone in the middle of the night is not a appropriate prank

Gwen packs a mighty punch when insulted or kidnapped

Only let Owen near the kitchen if you want something to explode

If Tosh drags herself to work complaining of slight joint pain she's probably broken her kneecap

You must never talk about the bunny

Once you understand and accept the fact that the medical machinery only responds to Owen, we can all get along

Band-Aids don't keep head wounds closed

The loss of limb will not be fobbed off as 'just a flesh wound'.

Dinosaurs like the taste of freshly dismembered limbs

Once dinosaurs get used to the taste of freshly dismembered limbs, they may or may not attempt to dismember further limbs for extended enjoyment

Humans were never meant to ride pterodactyls

Neither were Time Lords ever meant to ride pterodactyls

The laws of physics are facts, not challenges

Even if you are a twat you don't order pizza under 'Torchwood' unless you want a dark-haired, Welsh, policewoman to track you down and try to infiltrate your base

Always buy quality birth control

Never misjudge the importance of 'Don't feed the animals' signs at the zoo

The base does _not _require a crocodile in river, no matter what Owen says

The resident prehistoric animal will object when attempts are made to introduce another similar animal to the area

There is never enough chocolate in the hub

Computers don't appreciate melted chocolate in the keyboard

Efforts to extricate chocolate from the grasp of a woman WILL prove harmful and/or fatal

Pretending that the corpses in the morgue are rising from the dead is very hard to rig up

You must be careful to remember that you have rigged up such a scene to avoid giving yourself a heart attack at two in the morning when you stumble in after a hard night's drinking

A jelly swimming pool in what were previously underground living quarters is very hard to drain and unstick

32. If you don't inform your childlike companions that you're removing their jelly swimming pool from what were previously living quarters, they may not take the surprise too well when they arrive expecting a sticky swim

You do not require a theme song

Gwen will kill you if you hum said theme song every second of the waking day

You will wake up in a cell with the theme song blaring at you in full volume from speakers just outside the cell door and left there to rot for as long as Gwen sees fit

Never turn your cell phone off

Unless you want Jack to half strangle you when he finds you ok and lock you in the cell next to the weevil

Torchwood will pay you when it wants to

Never ask what's in Jack's second right hand draw for fear of death

Ianto's titles for inanimate objects are under no circumstances to be challenged or discussed

No matter how much Owen or John want to have a Torchwood orgy it's never going to happen

Sometimes it's hard to tell if Jack is genuinely upset, but if you continue to do whatever you're doing and it's the wrong decision, you'll wake up in a hospital bed for your troubles

No matter how much you persuade them, Janet and Myfanwy will not engage in a battle to the death

Under no circumstance are you to stun gun a condom

Especially a full one

The five second rule does not apply in the hub; you never know what's been there

It's safer to feed it to Janet

Janet goes freaky when she eats meat lovers pizza

Janet goes freakier when she eats vegetarian pizza

Even evergreen Christmas trees don't stay green for long when watered with the hub's own pretty display supply


End file.
